A column about nothing
You know what I heard the other day?
[No, but I have a feeling you’re going to tell me.]
Our lives are like a sine wave.
[A sine wave?]
Exactly. They have their ups and downs, but they’re always moving forwards.
[Why a sine wave, why not a cosine wave?]
Because a cosine wave doesn’t start at the origin.
[Well, sine waves don’t necessarily start there, what about negative values or displacements?]
Those don’t count. We’re just looking at a specific field. Otherwise life would go on for infinity.
[How specific are you talking?]
Depends on the life.
[So everyone’s life is a sine wave.]
That’s what I said.
[Then how are new sine waves made?]
By integrating two different, compatible sine waves.
[I don’t know if I buy that.]
You don’t have to buy it, it’s just a theory.
[And cats have nine sine waves.]
What?
[If cats have nine lives then they must also have nine sine waves.]
What are you bringing up cats for? Leave cats out of this.
[What about exponential or logistic growth? How does that fit the theory?]
Well, a bigger sine for the overall population bounded by some exponential value.
[So not only is individual life a sine wave, all life is a sine wave?]
If that makes you feel better, then yes, ALL life is a sine wave.
[All life except cats.]
Fine, you want to be difficult? Then how about we just say life is NOT a sine wave. Are you happy now?
[Oh, I’m at the peak of my sine wave.]
Sometimes I wonder why I bother talking to you.
[I’m sure everyone else is wondering the same thing.]
-Greg “hologrami” Taylor
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[This appeared in mathNEWS Volume 77, issue 2, May 29, 1998. On the same page as “Quantum Loop”, perhaps to fill the space. Probably to fill the space, mN needs an even number of pages.
For the record, I’m not a fan of Seinfeld, but the show had just ended in May 1998 after nine seasons, so it was hard to avoid. And this parody was not meant to return in any way... but then it did, three more times.]
