A column about nothing
You know, it’s important not to rely too much on technology these days. It has the habit of breaking down when you least expect it, and at the worst possible time. Think about it: why should we trust something labelled as “terminal”? It’s not like server tips are defined as helpful hints anymore either; they’re the physical action one performs on the hardware.
In the small apartment, hidden within one of the higher dimensions of the sixth floor of MC, Sine wanted a byte to eat and was considering frying bacon. But instead he decided to attack Nachos - bacon was the lassar of the two evils. He was interrupted, however, by the arrival of eLAN. She had come by to pick up the floor mat from her car, which Sine had borrowed.
“Why did you need this anyway?” eLAN asked, merrilly retrieving it. “Just because it’s shaped like a chess piece?”
Sine shrugged. “My parents were coming by and part of my floor wasn’t kleene. So it’s what I put your fine knight auto mat on.”
“Ah,” came the response. “And your parents are gone now?”
“Yeah, they left just before all the network malfunctions,” Sine confirmed. “What’s bothering me now is just an inability to track down the original cause for the troubles Hooke was having!”
eLAN nodded. “I suppose as the secret head of the Maintaining Flawed Computers Federation you were landen in hot water?”
“Not really,” Sine admitted. “But it affected my comedy routine. No laughs, everyone just chanting ‘Get the Hooke’!”
“So what are you doing about it now?”
“Well, I’ve eliminated Neumann as a suspect. He’s been busy with his mailbox hopper. Actually, I’m starting to think the source of the failure was a band of Hookers.”
“Hookers?” eLAN wondered.
“Yes, a secret organization around here investigating Hooke! I discovered them when I took a table and began to markov change in behaviours. I’m currently working on a .plan to…"
It was then that the conversation was further interrupted by the arrival of Cray-mar, who burst in the door, scattering things all over laplace. “Hey, Sine, do you have a ski I can borrow?” he inquired, looking about.
“Yes, but I think it would be the wronski for you,” Sine observed. “The size is incorrect; it barely fitch me.”
Cray-mar paused. “So does that mean you won’t or you cantor-“
“A ski??” eLAN interjected. “Why do you want ascii?”
“I have someone from Germainy over. She was going to show me the trick that put her into l'hopital.”
“Look, could U NIX that idea, Cray-mar?” Sine protested. “I was just in the middle of some complex analysis.”
“i see,” Cray-mar remarked.
“I should deque you both,” eLAN muttered, wondering if she’d need to display hermite. “These discussions are boring, so I’m no longer taking debate.”
“Oh, hey, Sine that reminds me! When your mother was here, she was bored, so she washed a board,” Cray-mar declared.
“Oh? What board?” Sine mused.
“The motherboard, naturally,” Cray-mar retorted.
“My mother washed the motherboard?” Sine gasped.
“Yes, shortly before she got on the bus.”
“Well, no wonder there were problems then!” eLAN remarked.
“I don’t believe it!” Sine cried out. “And I had to pay so much cache to buy a new one!” Conversation was suspended for a bit, as Sine punched cards.
“Hey, if you don’t have a ski, can I take descartes you decked?” Cray-mar eventually asked.
“Sure, picard, any card…" Sine muttered. Cray-mar quickly grabbed the entire set and hurried back to his own address space.
“And I’m leaving too,” eLAN added. “Because you know, I don’t think there was a kernel of truth to any of this.”
Sine shrugged. “Well, I still wouldn’t have been surprised if Hookers were up to something…" was all he could say in conclusion.
And once again, all was quiet on the higher dimensions of the sixth floor.
-Greg “hologrami” Taylor
[Everything that looks misspelled (lassar, landen, germain-y, etc) is actually the name of one of the computer servers at the University at the time, which were in turn named after mathematicians. There’s at least 15 in there (including subtle ones like bacon). Then there's also the usual puns, like 'finite automaton' aka finite state machine.
This appeared in Volume 79, issue 4, Feb 26, 1999, so again about four months after the previous entry. We add eLAN to the cast. Maybe I wanted a computer pun series, to branch out? I have no idea. There's only one more.]
