Some people have wondered how I come up with such serial columns as General l’Hopital (v75, 1997; v85, 2001) and Quantum Loop (v77, 1998; v81, 1999). In fact, creating such Taylor Series’ is not that difficult, and I shall now reveal the appropriate steps in their creation to anyone who cares, or is actually interested in making their own Taylor Series derivative.

1. Select a story arc. Something you can effectively babble about for six issues. If it’s related to math, all the better. You don’t have to stick to said arc the whole time but people will appreciate knowing that the column will eventually stop. This may deter them from coming after you with sharp objects (the operative word being ‘may’). Prior arcs of mine include “mathematical punctuation”, and “why chairs were chained in MC”.
2. Write each column the same week it comes out in mathNEWS. Don’t prepare anything in advance. This way you can slip in any current events as well as give yourself a crash course in stress management. They usually only take between 2 and 4 hours to do anyway.
3. When you write, have a math textbook on hand. Liberally insert terms into the column. As an example, don’t say “You did something wrong”, say “You didn’t log the major factors” or “What you-knit was not a-tribute”. There are actually two ways to do this.
   • Write the column, go back and change the wording. In my case, most often done with QLoop. Classic QLoop comments include “Lynn Kedlist cursed, then recursed”, “My processes have better threads than you, Admiral” and “the CPU will be arrested for making con currency to buy hash”.
   • Pick out some good catch phrases first, or words that you want to use together, and fill in plot elements around them. In my case, most often done with l’Hopital. Classic l’Hopital comments include a paragraph containing words all starting with “ex”, “Gran U. Larity is into cayenne distribution”, “back us now or form”, and the redoubtable “Gram Schmidt ortho gone, Ali Zay’s shun process”.
4. If possible, include some mathematical trivia and words like paraskavedekatriaphobia (fear of Friday the 13th) to maintain reader interest. For QLoop this was required, for l’Hopital it seemed a moral at the end would suffice. Doing this means there’s a chance someone will actually learn something by reading the column. Of course, there’s also a chance they’ll simply be totally confused, but if they miss out on the enlightenment that’s their problem.
5. Finally, make sure to carefully spell and grammar check your work. Whether you have available editors on a production night or not, you don’t want them correcting intentional “kneed” or “monic” errors anyway.

So there you have it. Note that if you have a topic you can only babble about for one issue, it may still be useful (witness Sine Field). I now leave my legacy in the hands of others… but remember, old mathNEWS editors never die. They just get written off.

-Greg “hologrami” Taylor

[This appeared along with the last General l’Hopital, Volume 85, issue 6, March 30, 2001. By this point I had basically already graduated University, though I would contribute a couple columns later, as I did my first year of teaching in Sept 2001.

Did you find this informative? Recall there was also the behind the scenes notes for General l'Hopital Entry 1.5 & 1.6, if you like. Now, if you came here looking for information about Brook Taylor's infinite sums of mathematical terms... sorry about that? Hope you're still entertained, thanks for reading, feel free to drop a comment below.]

End of the Taylor Series

“Will you please explain to us what the point of all this was?” Ana inquired of her sister.

Elly nodded. “The punctuation that’s been going missing is all connected to numbers. Periods as decimals, dashes as minus signs, exclamation marks as factorials. But there’s no such correlation with question marks, which is why we’re seeing more of them! A question mark fancier must be behind this scheme!”

“Don’t start into Scheme,” groused a large ?, rising up from behind a basic pro-log sign. “With all the parentheses involved in that language, my fort ran better under Al Golle. Though he was never able to seize me a big, oh, notation in math!”

“Awk!” exclaimed Max. “I see Q! And it’s irrational!”

“pFFT, just call me ?,” the ? said. “You know Elly, you didn’t even mention how commas appear in numbers and as french decimals.”

“Right, commatose patients have been sparse too,” Dr. Waterson realized.

“Now this all parses,” Ana remarked. “It’s been a plot designed to amplify appearances of the question mark.”

“With an attempt being made to finger Elly as the cause of some problems, owing to her natural immunity,” Max reasoned. “? wanted her out of the equation!”

“Indeed,” ? stated. “But I was thrown a curve by her discussing with people who could track the problem to this sector of town. I regret that I’ll now have to dispose of each of you… but my principal ideals must continue.”

“Wait, you’re forgetting something,” Dr. Waterson interjected. “The question mark may not appear often in notation but it is of fundamental importance. Without mathematicians asking questions, we would never be where we are today.”

? paused. “There’s a ring of truth to that,” it admitted.

“Consider the following,” Elly stated. “The popular questions that surrounded Fermat’s Last Theorem, the current P versus NP problem, even the 23 Mathematical Problems of David Hilbert.”

“All of it is mathematically important and all of it involves big question marks,” Ana added.

“Don’t go recognition crazy now and put mathematics in Jeopardy,” Max concluded.

“You think maybe I taught all o’… gee,” the ? reflected. “I suppose my role is larger than I suspected.”

“Of course,” Dr. Waterson concluded. “Come on now, let us work to re-solve our differences and put an end to this power struggle.”

“Very well,” agreed ?. “I suppose what I really require is psychological counselling…”

*

So, as a result of their care, ? overcame a period of monic depression and became unconditionally stable. Electra “Elly” Lysis resumed her duties in the l’Hopital as before, actually being five times as functional. Max Value and Ana Nuther Value took relaxing vacations in Monte Carlo and Las Vegas, prior to accepting a case that involved making Al Gore rhythmic using a horn clause. And Dr. Carrie Waterson carried on with her own work… with no other large problem ever revealing itself.

So the moral of the story is: If you question marks, don’t forget the importance of notation.

Finis II

-Greg “hologrami” Taylor

[Dr. Waterson suddenly gets a first name. And yes, it's Carrie Waterson, the same name as the protagonist in "Time & Tied"... recall that I was first writing that story at around this time in 2000/2001 (under the name "Time Trippers"). I don't think this will be Time Carrie's eventual occupation though... setting aside how she doesn't go for puns, and this one looks like Ami Mizuno, I have other plans for Time Carrie.

In other random trivia, the ? was actually italicized as a person in the issue. Also in this issue was “How to Derive a Taylor Series”, an explanation of how I wrote Hopital and Quantum Loop... I will probably include that on this site too, because why not.

So did you realize the question mark was behind things, as Sham alluded to in Entry 4? I did actually sketch l'Hopital out very roughly this time around, so there's that. Did you have a favourite character from the series at all? Even back then I did seem to prefer largely female casts. Feel free to let me know, or at least share the link around. Since it's my birthday this coming week, that'd be cool and all.

Thank you for reading!]

Full of questionable content

“What are you doing at the Fourier Factory on this fine night?” Max muttered.

“Dr. Waterson connected our series of errors to your punctuation problem,” Elly explained.

“Did I?” Dr. Waterson worried.

“Sounds like a quick sort of decision,” Ana admitted. “But is merging really a heap of trouble, Max?”

“I suppose not,” he huffed. “But can we keep things proper, prim and kruskal?”

“NP. Complete control is yours,” endorsed Elly.

The four characters advanced into the factory a bit testily, making their way past a Campus Crew pram, a fortuitously full adder, and some touring machine pumping lemma meringue on the floor.

“Who Kleenes this place?” Waterson whispered.

“I think it’s a con cave, does the con vex you?” Max mused.

“I feel like a mime-on-the-road,” Elly enunciated erroneously.

“Would that make you the LIFO the party?” Ana articulated.

“Can we hash this out without getting to the use of PCP?” winced Waterson.

“Look, would UNIX all the talk now?” Max mumbled.

“Or what, you’ll deque someone?” asked Ana.

“But then wouldn’t the odds be stacked against us?” Waterson warned.

“Hey, either you back us now or form a rival group, right?” Max maintained.

“Wait!” Elly exclaimed. They all reached a halting state. “Your language is irregular,” Elly elaborated. “It’s currently all in the form of questions.”

“She’s right, isn’t she?” Ana asserted.

“Who am I, the Confused Mathie?” Max moped.

“Could there be interference from the CFL?”

“No, Doctor,” Elly expressed. “There is no field goal and the context is sensitive. In fact, I’m starting to realize that the complexity of the situation is a sham.”

“If so, doesn’t this sham rock?” mentioned Max.

“Could you not make this an ire ish?” Waterson wondered.

Elly exhaled. “Enough!” she soothed. “I think I now know who’s behind both the punctuation trouble AND the numerical mystery PLUS the reason they’ve been doing it!”

“What??” the others observed.

“Is this finally a terminal case?” Max marvelled.

*

Have you come by-nary a solution to this column? Then make sure to read the conclusion in two weeks time!

-Greg “hologrami” Taylor

[This appeared on the same mN page as “The Confused Mathie”, including a picture of me. I’d forgotten about that filler, though of course it was referenced by Max. Find it here: [mathnews.uwaterloo.ca/wp-conten...](http://mathnews.uwaterloo.ca/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/v85i5.pdf)

Did you spot the descriptives synching with the names? I'd forgotten about that too. And if only I could remember what "mime-on-the-road" was a reference to. Ah well, as it says above, last part in two weeks! Can you see where this is going?]

A subsidiary of Quantum Loop Enterprises

Theorizing that one could time travel within their own lifetime, Doctor Sham Breakit stepped into the Quantum Loop accelerator… and vanished. He awoke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mere images that were not his own, and driven by unknown source code to arrange history for the better. His only guide on this journey is Hal, an observer at run-time, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sham can see and hear. And so Dr. Breakit finds himself looping through life after life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next loop… will be the loop $home.

“Sham, we got problems,” Hal Calalilli asserted as he entered the imagine chamber.

“No kidding!” replied Sham. After dispensing with Elly by sending her on her rounds, Sham had spent the last hour looking about the l’Hopital. “Hal, everyone here is talking in math riddles or doublespeak!”

“Sounds like the joy of lex.”

“Hal…”

“Sham, you’ve handled worse,” Hal said. “Now, back in Stall-Eons Gate, New Mexico we’ve got real trouble! Your parallel hybrid computer BigE is having a mental breakdown. Sushi and Xina can’t fix her, so it’s up to… er, Dr. Geeks.” Hal caught himself before mentioning Sham’s wife Drawna WeeBTree, or Sham’s daughter Shammy Pro Filer.

“So I guess you don’t know why I’m here,” Sham sighed.

Hal tapped at his TI-85 calculator. “No, but we know the woman in the fating room is Dr. Waterson,” he offered.

“Doctor! Doctor Waterson!” called out Electra Lysis as she rejoined her associate. “Sir Cul wants to transcend dental work and eat pie. There’s also trouble with Jacob, Ian and May tricks. Oh, and Zeke wants help tracking down new classical records, but I just told him ‘Stop playing Haydn, Zeke’.”

Sham winced. “Stop speakin’ like that,” he pleaded.

“Like what?” Elly inquired. “I didn’t mean to go off on a tangent. Though I often strike a chord when not aligned with the story arc. But my maxim is, ‘If you’re cut, seek aunts’!”

“Sham, I was wrong,” Hal sympathized. “No matter what it takes, we’ll get you out of here.”

*

However, it was a few days before Hal could return with good news. “You won’t believe this, Sham,” he revealed at last. “The underlying situation here is a peculiar punctuation problem.”

“You positive?” Sham mused. “Because the Hopital logs show even their elementary operations involve calculations that are way off base.”

Hal flinched. “You’ve been here too long, Sham.”

“The trouble is I can’t project the point of origin for these errors!” Sham looked up. “Uh, Hal, can’t you wear proper ties?”

“Sham, what you need to do is make sure Dr. Waterson and Elly Lysis team back up with Max Value and his wife Ana. Elly’s presence is necessary to crack this missing punctuation case.”

“But what about the stats here? The error vectors on this scale are—”

“Stop it, you’re going dotty!” Hal interrupted. “Just get Elly to the Fourier Factory!”

“Wait, that’s it,” Sham realized. “Decimals and periods are both dots! There’s the connection, it even explains the missing cases of colon cancer. Brilliant, Hal!”

“Oh. Well, it was adjoint effort—” Hal stopped himself. “Anyway, just get that clique of people I mentioned back together so you can loop out of here.”

Sham quickly co-ordinated things. “But Hal,” he realized even as he left for the Fourier Factory. “I haven’t im-parted any mathematical information yet, like how there are 43,252,003,274,489,856,000 possible positions for a Rubik’s cube. How can I loop?”

Hal shrugged. “General l’Hopital is just less educational.”

Indeed, Sham did loop upon his arrival at the factory. However, the story did not end there.

*

Still going…

-Greg “hologrami” Taylor

[Was this worth it, to hear about Shammy ProFiler? Or about Hal's properties? Well, here's something more random: Sham's "stop speakin' like that" line was a direct reference to FASS 2001, the February 2001 show for which I was CSW (chief scriptwriter). I'd written in a character who constantly spoke in music puns - a role I was ultimately cast into. In Act II scene iv, s/he was told to "stop speakin' like that". Weird that I still remember that 20 years later.

Anyway, that concludes Quantum Loop's bonus episode of 2001. Two more parts remain in the Hopital!]

Why won’t that place just die?

“Your ex claimed exclamation marks!” exclaimed Max Value.

“Exactly, extraordinary exchange,” expressed experienced Expo executive Exeter excitedly. “Except extremely expensive experiment, exporting extracted exam exclamations! Excerpts exited existence exponentially!”

“Excellent extra example,” Max said, hanging up the external extension.

“Explain what function that call served?” Ana asked the PI.

“I can add it to my composite,” Max revealed. “I now have many prime cases with odd factors.”

“Are you positive?”

“Naturally.” Max proceeded to pull several files. “There is just one common thread I’ve seen running through all these processes. Observe the following cases! Colonel Space spoiling nachos. Jordan missing cannon nickel forms. The Gram Schmidt ortho gone, Ali Zay’s shun process—”

“Enough!” Ana interrupted. “What is the common factor?”

“Its identity,” Max said, “Is… punctuation! Or more precisely a lack thereof.”

Ana frowned. “But Electra’s case involved no missing punctuation, it had to do with lopped off decimals,” she recalled.

“Ah, unfortunately I’ve discovered that connection has time doubt,” Max remarked. “So while the decimation of her numbers does occur within the same time period, I must set her case aside temporarily to concentrate more closely on the punctuation caper.”

“But while we caper and bandy about, who is left to orchestrate how l’Hopital Central conducts itself?” Ana noted. “This is the pits!”

*

Indeed, back at the l’Hopital, things were hardly peachy. “I’m plum tired,” Electra remarked gingerly to Dr. Waterson. “Earlier I saw a man go by with the key we needed for a pre-cot storage area. I’m so berried in work I was nuts enough to let the seedy guy leave.”

“Work is a mixed bag,” Dr. Waterson agreed. “Even my breakfasts of late are not Special K-complete.”

“Do you think there’s any angles or incidents we can pursue to help with Max’s investigation?” Elly reflected.

“Perhaps. But we should look before we leap or something may throw us for a loop,” Dr. Waterson stated.

Suddenly, the form of Dr. Waterson was encompassed in a wash of blue light, accompanied by a tingle of static energy. Unnoticed by anyone, she had just been replaced by Dr. Sham Breakit of mathNEWS Quantum Loop fame.

“WHILE I think I got that, could you REPEAT UNTIL I know FOR sure?” Elly asked.

“Oh boy,” Sham concluded.

*

To be improved…?

-Greg “hologrami” Taylor

[How's that for a teaser? Continuity-wise, this takes place after all previous Quantum Loops. And how many mathematical references are you catching, amid the random wordplay? I feel like it was a goal of mine to get the Gram-Schmidt Orthogonalization Process in there. Oh well, hope you're enjoying the twenty-year-old rerun... feel free to let me know!]

The nonspecific continuation

“These events do form an unusual sequence,” Max Value stated, a bit nonplussed.

“Don’t react negatively,” Dr. Waterson advised. “You must discover the cause so that we can limit such occurrences before they increase without bound.”

Having met with Ana and Max Value, Dr. Waterson and Elly were now persuading the PI to assist them in their investigation of errors at l’Hopital Central.

“Well, my case volume is low and your arguments seem solid on the surface,” Max yielded. “So I’ll get to the point. Electra, any line on people in the area out to wreck your reputation?”

“No, I don’t hang out in circles containing such squares,” Elly replied.

“Are you certain there’s no one, in any shape or form? Perhaps a platonic relationship?”

Elly sighed. “Read my ellipse: Try angles other than your wrecked angle. Maybe contact the Pentagon?”

“Or heck, Saigon,” Max retorted. “After all, I have an informant over there, Gene Etic. He’s my link for criminal confinement cases…”

“Dear,” Ana phrased, moving forwards. “This case has nothing to do with jail cell divisions.”

“AIe!” Elly yelped. “Get off my toe, sis!”

“So who might be involved in this business then?” Max mum-bled, scanning some files. “Someone in marketing? Apparently Eko Nomics decks people… hey, where’s DECA gone?”

“If I may,” Dr. Waterson cut in. “The trouble is primarily financial with the added dimension here including lopped off decimals and negative numbers which were dashed off. It will lead to positive chaos.”

“Aha!” Max realized, raising a digit. “That’s why your number’s up! Figures. But you can count on me.”

“You’re acting a bit irrational about the whole thing,” Elly remarked.

“Max has been dealing with complex cases, it’s only natural,” Ana soothed. “Leave everything in our hands, I’ll even foot the bill.”

“Give us a heads up then if you kneed more info,” Dr. Waterson stated. “We’ll keep in touch as friends and family. But right now me and Elly should start trekking the long distance back to work.”

There was a pause after the two Hopital workers departed. “Well, their case doesn’t seem very arresting,” Ana finally piped up to Max. “How much attention do you think it warrants?”

“Quite a lot,” Max countered, producing a table he put on his desk. “Because I think some of my other cases here are connected! Mark my words Ana, there’s something deep going on here. But it’s not so deep that I can’t get to the bottom of it!”

*

Not to be discontinued…?

-Greg “hologrami” Taylor

[If it's not about polygons, it's about mitosis. The 2001 hospital saga continues, as more familiar characters return. What do you think? It was actually somewhat planned out in advance this time.]

The unprecedented revival

Dr. Waterson patiently corrected the impatient patient’s chart with a graphical notation and then updated her evaluation table. She frowned. It looked like a large problem was revealing itself, the likes of which had not been seen since Volume 75 in 1997.

She quickly traced the problem to a section of l’Hopital Central now run by Electra Lysis, a co-worker currently undergoing periodic difficulties. Electra (also known as Elly) made a waving sign as Dr. Waterson approached. “Something up?” Elly inquired. “I was about to bring Dee O. Fantine her formula—”

“There are issues we must discuss,” the Doctor interrupted. “Most importantly, this bill for Bill doesn’t fit the bill. I even chequed in voice, and Bill’s bill is for the birds! Why was he overcharged?”

Elly blinked. “Billing is an area solidly outside the sphere of my influence,” she protested. “Maybe the RSA cubicle is involved in another pyramid scheme?”

“It’s not an RSA scheme,” Waterson countered. “A raise for Bill’s records was cosigned by you. The change was logged.” She presented Elly with the file.

“This is an unnatural log! It could have been changed with ease, I saw it out on the lawn yesterday.”

Dr. Waterson frowned. “The file manager Doctor Firestone does tread out there occasionally when he’s tired. But Otto’s track record is not in question, as we’ve had a good year. And he didn’t charge Polly more fees; am sure of that.”

“I know what’s been done, lopped off decimal points!” Elly fumed, pointing back at the file in question. “That’s the problem, you should talk to Michelle in—”

“Wait,” Dr. Waterson interjected. “There are some very complex factors involved here and the problem isn’t imaginary. Your name has been coming up so often of late that it can’t be without basis. What IS odd is exactly why, seeing as you have been a practical, dependable worker…”

“I think this is a setup,” Elly concluded. “Let me contact my sister Ana.”

“Ana Lysis?”

“Actually Ana Nuther Value, now that she’s married Max Value,” Elly clarified.

“Oh! The PI?” Dr. Waterson recalled.

Elly nodded. “He just helped con Gruence with a case. I’m sure he can help us.”

Dr. Waterson nodded. “Let’s consult him then. No matter what, we must determine the meaning behind these events…”

*

To be continued…?

-Greg “hologrami” Taylor

[NOTE: This would be from Volume 85, in January 2001. Over three years after the initial "Hopital" story from Sept 1997, and shortly before my University graduation in April 2001. I had always left the plot hook... I'm not sure why I decided to return to it. Also not sure why I was keen on tires this entry, with firestone, goodyear and michelin.

At any rate, this is actually still online in back issues. Go to http://mathnews.uwaterloo.ca/?cat=3 then find V85.]

You may recall that Entry 1a featured an early sketch of what would end up becoming the cover of the issue. How did I still have that? Well, I kept a few of my old notes from that time, along with the mathNEWS issues themselves.

So I present to you here a little bonus, a scan of how some parts of the story were created.

I went in with no plan or plot. I sort of devised one, around the time the characters themselves were questioning whether there was a plot, in issue 4. Here was the plan for Issue 5:

You can see I went double spaced, so as to be able to add and change items as plot (or more likely puns) demanded. Using statistical terms like "the population" instead of "others". I even had the final moral for Issue 6 worked out there on the second page.

As far as the issue 6 rough work, I'll offer just the second page:

You'll note a number of statistical terms at the top, gradually getting crossed off, along with the usual things like "I have a hunch" becoming "My expectation" to better fit with the theme.

In the end, I DID write a mathNEWS column entitled "How to Derive a Taylor Series", in 2001, with some tips for how to come up with similar columns. I will probably include it as a post here on the blog, once we complete our serial parody run. Unless you think that would be a terrible idea. (If so, what should I do instead?)

UPDATE ASIDE: NOVEMBER 2021

By the way, anyone wondering about the status of "Time Untied" here? (The "Time & Tied" sequel.) I thank you for your patience.

After 150,000 words I've kind of unofficially split the sequel into another offering, "Time Denied". Since the first outing got chopped into two (then four), I suppose that comes as no surprise. The break was done at a reasonable place, narratively. Yet there is still the chance that the earlier material might get affected by later words, because time travel, so I don't feel I'm in a position to release it yet. Plus knowing what's to come is letting me flesh out the subplots.

One subplot that seems to be going strong is the Carrie-Chartreuse-Peaches triangle. You'll recall the first two characters were dating after "Time & Tied", while I've mentioned the new Peaches character in passing. We've reached the point where I've tried putting the characters into ArtFlow, and then used them in making a cover for NaNoWriMo 2021 (yes, I'm tackling the story yet AGAIN this month).

Conversely, one subplot that's working less well than I thought is the entire situation with Jenny Irving. It's kind of entrenched though, so I'm not sure what more to do with it. Then there's the race situation with Sherlock... maybe I'm trying to do too much here.

I hope it's all working. I probably need more beta readers. If you're interested, let me know.

Meanwhile, on this blog in numbers, September 2021 was through the roof for pageviews, at 562. With someone (or maybe multiple people) reading through "Time & Tied" and "Virga" along with some Epsilon. In October 2021 we were back to "normal" with 42 pageviews overall. Putting us on track for another typical year, maybe 1,500 views... where a third of them were in a single month. Wild. Thanks for checking me out, binge reader... are you even reading this?

I just have no time for publicity. The pandemic ensures Teaching and Parenting is all I have time for, with a bit of writing time clawed out. (This despite me shifting to part time... it's insane.) I've already queued up the remaining posts for 2021, so no worries there... tell your friends, I guess? About the blog? If you like the writing? And as always, thanks for reading.

[We now continue with the mathNEWS serials, already in progress.]

Term Termination

Ana stopped when she saw the visitor.

“I’m just here to process a package,” Max said tentatively.

“It’s Sir Vay tampering,” Elly quickly noted, getting to the root of the problem. “Ana, you have to break it off with him.”

Ana nodded marginally. “I had planned on doing that in any event.”

Max stared. “What? You mean your relationship’s been regressing?”

“No, it’s come to a standstill,” Ana corrected. “I mean, he’s not only a blockhead, he’s too dull.”

“You specified that same indicator for the others,” Elly reminded.

“Well, it was true then, too,” Ana retorted. “Plus that Stu Dee was a likely hood and Sam Pull spaced out continuously - all he talked about was Data, Picard and his graduate hypo thesis.”

Max laughed. “Well, if you want a life of interest maybe you should find a PI.”

“You know a Private Investigator?”

“Well… me,” Max admitted. “There’s often some excitement like my last box plot at a bar…"

“That sounds interesting,” Ana reflected. “You must know lots of angles!” She paused, then asked, “And you don’t have a bias against models, do you?”

“Of course not; that’s not right. Actually, I’d be obtuse not to say you’re a cute one,” Max said reflexively.

Ana raised an eyebrow. “Do tell,” she encouraged. With a wink at Elly she guided Max out of the room. Dr. Waterson arrived in time to see the couple depart.

“Doctor!” Elly recognized. “What causes this visit?”

“I’m just checking… are you the one who weighed items in pounds then changed this to grams?”

Elly looked abashed. “That - and the other things, no doubt - were me, working independently. But it won’t happen again.”

“Oh?” Dr. Waterson appeared skeptical. “Why?”

“It’s elementary, my dear Waterson,” Elly responded. “My expectation is that my sister’s relationships have stabilized, so I have nothing further to distract me!”

*

And Electra Lysis was correct: she became a practical, dependable worker while Max Value and Ana Lysis were a classic couple. A further Sir Vay sabotage setup earned him trials and a fine. And Dr. Waterson returned to work at l’H^opital Central, limiting the remaining small problems until another large one revealed itself.

So the moral of the story is: Don’t let a model relationship get STATic.

--Greg “hologrami” Taylor

[A couple items here should be clarified. Picard was one of the math servers, named after C. Emile Picard, so the Trek reference is actually the joke, not the starting point. I still laugh at that whole paragraph though, works better than "histograms" which was really forced in later. Also, it was a long way to go to get the "elementary" at the "High's Cool" resort.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this... because there was a sequel with the same characters written exactly three years later, in January 2001. See how I left myself an opening at the end there? Next up, some background info.]

…not anti-longed

Electra Lysis walked into Room 231, put down her things and closed the double blinds. Then she flipped on the TV to see what was on the Mr. Rogers [TM] Cable Neighbourhood. Coming to the realization that there was nothing on the Life (serial) channel, she reached for the remote… as a man burst into the room and stumbled forward a pair of meters. He seized a package from the table. “Ana!” he shouted as he opened it. “You must not use this… lemma merangue pi?”

“That’s a parcel from my grandmother - Gran U. Larity,” Elly stated, perplexed. “She’s into pi and cayenne distribution. Who are you?”

“Er, I’m Max,” was the response. “Trying to intercept a Sir Vay package for Ana. Who are you?”

“Ana Lysis’ sister, Electra. What relation are you to Ana’s steady? That guy’s unnerving… I’m getting worried about heteroscedasticity.”

Max blinked. “I don’t know what that measure meant.”

“I think there’s a pattern in how Ana’s relationships vary,” Elly clarified.

Max shook his head. “Electra? Complex…"

“Meaning,” Elly sighed, “that they never last. I’d estimate - or approximate - it was three weeks with both Stu Dee and Sam Pull. So her time with Sir Vay is almost up.”

“I guess that’s characteristic,” Max acknowledged.

Elly sighed. “It’s getting such that I can’t concentrate on my work… the other day I got a hopital’s normal distribution charts mixed up with student tea distributions!”

“Chi…," murmured Max.

“My job assessment can’t be good to say the least. So, just what is her latest companion up to?”

“Well, he was upset when he found out Ana was an imperfect model. So he knit a hideous looking ‘sigma’ hat - white, but with lurking variables that will glow in the dark. He hoped to embarrass her and horrify the local population… both those events cueing the breakup of their relationship.”

Elly gasped. “That’s a cue-cue plot! You sure you’re not gaussing?"

“Beta believe it.”

Elly rolled her eyes. “Typical. They always give up on Ana when they observe her modelling is experimental.”

“So… the package?” Max pressed, looking very antsy.

“Oh, the one by the matches has been here since I arrived.”

But as Max turned to get it Ana walked into the room. “Would you believe it?” Ana commented. “I was so rushed to leave I grabbed a wrong ski - isn’t this Ron’s ski?”

“Wonder what the likelihood of this was,” Elly sighed.

To be concluded…

--Greg “hologrami” Taylor

[Nothing to add this time. Are you amazed how it's suddenly coming together? Me too. We're almost done.]

I don’t know C…

Electra (or Elly as she was known) slapped her $50.00 fee down on the counter in the ‘High’s Cool’ ski resort foyer and rang the service bell. After ringing three more times, a person finally came forth. “Sorry,” the receptionist, Bern Oulee, apologized. “We’re understaffed. A lot of people are against the testing of a 160-hour work week.”

Elly blinked. “And you’re working because…"

“I’m pro-testing.”

Elly sighed. “Well, as long as this deviation from protocol isn’t standard,” she relented. “Now, is Room 231 finally ready?”

The receptionist scanned the log book with e’s and nodded. “Electra and Ana Lysis? The room’s been made up; you even have a parcel waiting there.”

As Elly processed this, her sister turned to her. “Well, my assessment of the situation is that we’ll have at least two hours until dinner,” Ana observed.

“Er, good estimation…” Elly said, experimentally.

“Well then, I’m going to rise over ski runs and thus observe slopes. Maybe give them a trial run.”

Elly nodded. “Then I’ll move our articles to our room.”

That decided, the two sisters parted ways as another individual entered on the other side of the foyer. He was visibly upset. “First my flight gets PPD; A.C. will hear about that,” Max complained. “Then those confounded crankshafts! Causing crazy car collisions, creating chaos… I hope I’m still in time…"

He approached the receptionist and paused for a confidence interval. “I’m Max Value,” he finally said. “Has anyone named Ana Lysis been by?”

Bern Oulee raised an eyebrow - there was no expected Value in his log book. “You just missed your target,” he said guardedly. “Her room is 231 but…"

“Why… aie!!" Max gasped, running off. What were the odds in catching her? He hoped there was still the time to perform any pivotal function required…

He almost ran into a short haired woman in his charge to the elevators, but Dr. Waterson paid only marginal attention to their encounter. She’d had a good derive down in a rented ford from Tilde. She proceeded to the counter and greeted the receptionist. “Hi, I’m booked in Room 230 and I’m looking for an Electra Lysis.”

“Figures. Room 231,” came Bern’s standard response. He shook his head. “Is there some sort of plot here?”

“Not that I know of,” the doctor replied, moving off.

Bern sighed. “All the flakes aren’t in the snowdrifts.”

*

To be prolonged…

--Alia S. Choir

[NOTE: We've moved from STAT230 into STAT231. This was also the mathNEWS issue where names were changed to draw attention to the 1997 Teachers' Strike in Ontario... we posed as "replacement" workers. "Alia" was the Evil Leaper on Quantum Leap, while "S Choir" is from Bill S. Preston Esquire. And no, there is no plot. That you can spot yet.]

Apparently, to be…

Max sat at the restaurant table, picking at his fishbone. Earlier, he’d resorted to calling the resort, where apparently a re-sort of schedules had delayed Ana Lysis’ arrival. So Sir Vay’s knit wit present, while pre-sent, hadn’t been presented. So now Max was waiting for his contact - Mr. Y.

Max requested a dessert sample, then returned to gauging the situation. He didn’t understand why Sir Vay was rejecting Ana simply because she was a model - apparently something about a model’s imperfection. Well, he would rectify matters.

A ghostly apparition abruptly appeared, apparently appraising apples and apprising all of assonance applications. Max almost applauded. “I have reservations coming here…," Y noted.

“No, I made the reservations,” Max corrected. “Care to sit and have a treat?”

“No, no time for tricks. Here’s your departure component.” Y put a ticket on the table then moved off in a random direction.

Max blinked. “Not staying for at least squares…?"

“I’m involved in a scatter plot,” came Y’s response. And he was gone.

Max picked at the residual of his meal. Well, now he had the means - he supposed he should get to the resort as soon as he could…

*

Doctor Waterson walked into the absolute value bar and glanced around. It hadn’t taken too long for her to determine that there existed a correlation between all the strange h^ospital events and one particular orderly on the night shift. Even the accidental labelling of “poison” jars to have an extra “s” in the middle could be explained. And the current assumption was that the orderly frequented this bar.

The Doctor walked up to the bartender and produced a diagram. “Do you know this person?” she asked.

The bartender blinked. “Count on it. I see her with relative frequency. Last I knew she was off to the ‘High’s Cool’ ski resort.”

Dr. Waterson frowned. She knew of it… the slopes were pretty easy compared to later places she’d found herself. Well, she might as well go and verify her hypothesis there… with a quick acknowledgement to the bartender, she departed - as another patron entered.

“Norm!” greeted the bartender. “What did you do for dinner tonight?”

“CS,” Norm grumbled.

*

To be… or C?

--Greg “hologrami” Taylor

[NOTE: Still leaning into Statistics jokes. This was also near Halloween.]

you were warned…

“He’s had some improbable reaction!” Dr. Waterson realized. “Send out copies of his history charts, STAT!!”

The on-duty med, Ian, blinked out of his reverie. “Which means - do I Gauss at the distribution?” he asked.

The doctor turned from her patient patiently. “Good gravy, don’t be a turkey,” she admonished. “You don’t need to Gauss, just be Normal.”

Ian stopped yammering and rushed out of room 230 as Mr. Venn came in. “I heard about the mode blue… are we covered this time?” he wondered.

“No, this isn’t a front page issue, it’s small potatoes,” came the reply.

“Let’s give thanks for that,” Venn sighed. “But we should keep such random events discrete or the press may gobble them up.”

Dr. Waterson frowned. “You’re not stuffing this into the same category as the others?”

“No… and that decision is unconditional,” Venn affirmed. “We can’t get pie-eyed over this.”

“But this time it was because the orderly brought by no meal…"

“No meal distribution?” Venn paused. “Well, run a uniform check,” he relented. Dr. Waterson nodded. She hoped the events weren’t independent. Even if it sounded corny, cobbled together.

*

Meanwhile, elsewhere, Sir Vay was getting upset. “I won’t be a target!” he stated.

“But what you knit was not a tribute,” Max noted. “Your very ability --"

“No! I won’t take the fall,” Vay cut in coldly, squashing any further conversation. Max sighed - he knew when he was whipped. But this was still a Sir Vay error… that could drive people out of their gourd. He had to do something before full punishment could be meted out…

*

To be… or not to be

--Greg “hologrami” Taylor

[NOTE: Came out in early October, 1997. Food references are due to Canadian Thanksgiving being around this time. STAT230 also crept in as a course code, with many distributions, such as "by no meal".]

[Yes, that's literally all we have for the start of my mathNEWS serials (and "Hopital" in particular), cover art. Not even my first mN cover art. For those who don't know, mathNEWS covers were reader submissions, much like many articles themselves. When no art was submitted, it was up to the editors to whip up some graphics or stick men or... check in with the people pulling the issue together.

For the record, my twelve covers were: (1) Volume 69, Issue 4. (Nov 10, 1995). (2) Volume 69, Issue 5. (Nov 24, 1995). (3) Volume 69, Issue 6. (Dec 5, 1995). (4) Volume 71, Issue 1. (May 17, 1996). (5) Volume 71, Issue 5. (July 12, 1996). (6*) Volume 75, Issue 1. (Sept 26, 1997). (7) Volume 78, Issue 2. (Oct 2, 1998). (8) Volume 81, Issue 2. (Oct 8, 1999). (9) Volume 82, Issue 1. (Jan 21, 2000). (10) Volume 82, Issue 5. (Mar 17, 2000). (11) Volume 84, Issue 6. (Dec 1, 2000). (12) Volume 85, Issue 1. (Jan 19, 2001). *: see above

I also provided cover art for Volume 84, Issue 0 (Frosh Issue, Sept 2000) and appeared in person as part of group photographs for Volume 78, Issue 5 (Nov 6, 1998) - the "Square One" parody issue - and on Volume 86, Issue 2 (June 1, 2001) - the "Iron Chef" parody article. Miscellaneous other drawings of mine appeared briefly in Volume 80, Issue 8 ("Irrational Toast", July 28, 1999), throughout Volume 83, Issue 4 ("DaGlobeNPost", July 12, 2000) and briefly in Volume 88, Issue 7 ("Toronto Moon", March 22, 2002).

So I was dabbling in art well before my personified math webcomic. (Hey, have you checked that out?) Draw your own conclusions about how long I spent at University.

At any rate, this single cover would be spun into a set of entries for the rest of Volume 75. Hope you enjoy.

As a bonus for reading this far, here is the first draft of the relevant cover art. Along with the different dialogue, note the absence of my marker, the Trek-KnightRider-QuantumLeap-Sliders-SMoon emblem on the file cabinet. It appears on all my official mathNEWS cover art.]

--Greg “hologrami” Taylor